Monday, December 1, 2014

Discussion: Who to blame when it isn't anyone's fault?

A typical work day for me is 8am-7pm at night.
Sometimes it is longer, and very rarely it is shorter.
I drive a 30-40 minute commute home.
Once I'm home, I then fight for a parking space on my very crowded street.
...and yet my landlord's grandson has space for an unregistered boat trailer.  Oh, how that infuriates me!
By now it's approaching 8pm.  I'm dragging my feet down the street and up the drive way.
My brain is contemplating what I could cook for dinner that would allow me to eat quickly.
That's when I open my front door and find my fiancee sitting on the couch playing Grand Theft Auto.
Every night I walk into that, he looks at me like I caught him with another woman!
A deep breath and a scowl later, I hug my mushy and make my way into the kitchen
I cook dinner, clean up best I can, eat, and then lay in bed to try and get baby girl to sleep.


The point of this post isn't to complain.
I'm making a point that my fiance did nothing wrong, and yet I hate him for this.
In fact, he's helping me.  He picked up Mushy from daycare, changed her, and watched her.
He's doing all of this while I am pursuing my "career" and making some overtime.
He also works a full time job.  I just thought I'd mention that.  We ain't paying day care for nothing!
While I know all of this is true, I still want to throw the TV at his head whenever I walk though the door.

This isn't something that bothers me and I keep inside.
Well, maybe 3 out of 5 nights a work week I do.
This is something that we argue about constantly.
I'll ask him when is it my turn to take a break or why am I responsible for all of this?
He always responds with the same answer, "I appreciate what you do, but I didn't ask you to".
Oh, how that line infuriates me further!  I mean, if I don't do it, who will?

I need to take a step back, and stop punishing him for stuff that is out of his control.
He does manual labor all day, and maybe he does deserve a few hours on the couch.
I should appreciate the stuff he is doing that many women don't have the luxury of having done for them.
Maybe I need to remember how he surpised me with a cooked meal on my arrival 2 days ago?
Or, I should remember that the new jewelry box he got me yesterday so my necklaces won't get tangled?
And, maybe I need to think about how my life is so busy because of all the things I add to my schedule?

The truth is, even if I had time to relax, I probably wouldn't because that just isn't me.
Maybe I'm just jealous that he has the ability to sit down and do absolutely nothing.

Do you blame someone for things that aren't their fault?

**This week, stay tuned for posts to follow in relation to this:  "How to make time for yourself" and  "How to diffuse an argument before it starts".**

28 comments:

  1. I have all the time in the world with my two days a week lol may not have money, but I got time. You got the pay but no time of day. Kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't.

    But it all depends on what you want and who you have to support, etc. If you want a thriving career and tons of dough, those hours are always going to be there. You can't have everything, unless you're able to win the lottery lol so if the 11-12 hours a day, BIG yuck, are what you want, you can't blame him for your choice.

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    Replies
    1. Well, at least you accomplished one thing. You made me hate you instead of him because you only have to work two days. hahahaha

      You're right. It's a lose lose situation either way. You need money to survive (especially with the high prices of NY), and you need time for yourself and family. It stinks! Rent and day care alone cost us $2320 a month. Forget about food and car payments and insurance and credit card bills...it's like a hole you can never get of. Ug!!

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    2. hahaha bring the hate, I can handle it.

      $2320 a month is crazy, but I can imagine. And things just keep going up and up forcing people to work more and more. Yep, a hole that just keeps going down further and further. You just can't win with it. Which is why come Friday at 10am my hole is getting filled in and buried lol

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    3. It's insane! According to my monthly budget (sigh), our combined monthly expenses are $4200. How can I not work OT?

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  2. it's just the pressure of daily life... Why do you work such long long hours, it's basically whole day long. But then again, I used to give up to 12 lectures and lessons a day, which is about 12 hours too not counting the preparations :) It ain't healthy for sure, and it ain't healthy for the marriage either if you end up hating hubs for the overworking

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I work long hours because without my OT, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills. It stinks. :( See, you know how that feels! Now imagine coming home to a Mushy that you only saw for 10 min in the morning and now you need to put her to bed. It's awful.

      It's weird. It's like growing up and blaming your mom for everything. Now you blame your husband for everything. It's definitely not healthy, but something that's important to recognize so you can work on a solution. Sigh!

      Delete
  3. I would be irritated, too. But logically I would also know that it isn't fair to be irritated. I don't have a partner, so I just get mad at my pets when I get home since they didn't bother to clean anything! Talk about lazy! Ha ha :)

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    Replies
    1. LOL Darn those lazy pets!!!! hahaha Don't give them dinner until they whip out the swifter. ;)

      Delete
  4. Oh yes, I blame people for stupid things. I used to hate on my roommate just for being home, because I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. So rude of her.

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    Replies
    1. So totally rude of her..I hope you let her know, too!!! hahaha

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  5. I definitely get caught up in the mood and get frustrated and upset with people for things that aren't their fault. I have to remind myself to take a breath, take a step back, and not ruin someone else's day because of it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it's a chore to keep ourselves in check sometimes.

      Delete
  6. I do the same thing, minus having a small human to take care of. I work anywhere from 9:30 am to 9:30 pm (plus 15 minutes walking time). If I get a break, it's half an hour or less and usually not even in the middle of my 7-8 hour shifts. My boyfriend has a set schedule and workings 7 am-4pm with two 15 minute breaks and an hour lunch. Yet, I close my store and get home to find he's playing a video game. Heaven forbid he complains about being hungry because then SOMEBODY is gonna pay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, girl, I hear ya!!! We know it isn't his fault that you worked those long hours, but we still hate him for sitting their playing a video game! Ug!!! Do sommeethiiinggggg!!! Ok, vent over. haha

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  7. I really think everyone does this - gets upset over little things where you really shouldn't be mad, and deep down know it's silly... and yet... it's still there. I'm constantly having to keep myself in check and figure out if I legitimately should be mad, or if I'm being irrational.. I found (this is SO cheesy!) that going to yoga right after work helps me to completely decompress, which helps put other things in order too!

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    Replies
    1. That's so not cheesy at all! It sounds like a great way to meditate, reflect, and relax. Kudos to you for figuring out a solution. For the longest time I would just wallow in my misery and then explode when I couldn't take it anymore. This isn't healthy. Maybe I should try yoga!! haha

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  8. Oh girl I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all these stresses and I totally get mad at my husband for things that he isn't necessarily doing, but not doing either if that makes any sense!!! Sometimes I get really irritated when I am the one that cooks the majority of the meals and then I realize that I never ask him to cook so maybe if I ask he'll do it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stress is becoming a way of life. lol!! I would get irritated at that too...and if stuff was reversed, they would be irritated too!

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  9. Everything sorta changes when you feel like you spend most of your time at work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it does. You see your coworkers more than family. :(

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  10. First off, hi!! What a nice surprise to see that you are back too :) Since I hadn't seen you for awhile on here before I tapered off. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and your engagement!!! Excitement all around :) I bet she's a looker.

    Secondly, YES. This is so common, I think it's human nature but I think girls get bothered by it more than guys. I love how you point out that he did nothing wrong yet you still feel this way. I totally get it. Sometimes it's so effing exhausting doing all the things you must do each day: work, gym, come home, make dinner, clean dinner, straighten up, etc. etc. etc. and before you know it it's 10 pm. ugh! Where'd the day go?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi!! :) Yes, I took an extended break and then came back. I missed you guys way too much. lol Thank you and thank you! She's a cutey. I'll post pictures.

      Omg, it's awful!! It's funny because when I lived alone, I never stopped, and it was never an issue. I think it just bothers me to know that I'm running around and someone is sitting down doing nothing right in my face. So frustrating!!!!

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  11. having never lived with or been married/no kids, here's my two cents, but i would be frustrated too. he can do that once she goes to sleep, if she is there. i would expect him to help out a little--thaw the chicken, clean the table, something.

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    Replies
    1. You hit the nail on the head. I mean, do SOMETHING! haha

      Delete
  12. Back in the day when I worked full-time, had three little ones, and a new hubby - we went through the same thing. He has no cooking skills in the kitchen. And, even if he started dinner for me, I still got angry because I was left finishing it up and cleaning the kitchen alone. Finally, I had enough. I told him if he wanted to eat, then he better be willing to clean cause I ain't doing both. It worked. Oh, and my first hubby - I went on strike for a week because he wouldn't help. That worked too. I only did my dishes and our kids' dishes and cooked for all of us, not him. hahaha Nutty but it proved my point.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. LOL! I could imagine his face when you sat down and only had enough plates for yourself and kiddies. Don't get me wrong, he helps! Actually, he does most of the cleaning, but when he feels like it. I'm OCD and can't go to bed with a sink full of dishes. But, I'm learning that as long as he does it in the morning (control issues?), then it's ok. At least he's doing it.

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  13. Whoa.. this is a tough one. I suppose if you live with someone their faults are going to become magnified and will seem more annoying after awhile. Probably one just has to accept the fact that they will never find a significant other who is perfect... Yes it is annoying having to shoulder the load, but if you are a hard working person you will likely always end up carrying more than your fair share anyway. Maybe you are doing more than you can handle, and need to slack off yourself once in awhile? Don't feel guilty for feeling annoyed though...that is only human.

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  14. Well, we could have more girls nights and drink wine and get away from the guys for a little bit

    ReplyDelete

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