Wednesday, February 15, 2012

He's Just Not Right!

My baby cousin was having silly serious boy drama.
She came to the right place!!!

Her one day love affair with another 10 year old may be coming to a sudden demise.
While he "rocks", she is not sure if he really is the one.

She approached me with the sternest look on her face.
Wide eyed and serious, she said "You always know why boys aren't right for you.  Without you, I wouldn't know to stay away from dudes with nose hair!"
Clearly my baby cousin listens to me too intently...

I did the only thing a good cousin could do.
I listed out all the reasons why a guy might not be right for her.
These are all from experience.  I'm saving my cousin from the horrors of the boys who drool! 


1.  You're family and friends warn you about him before you start.    Learn to stay away when people that care about you say so.

2.  Exhibiting signs of mental instability.  While this should be a no brainer, it's not as easy to spot as you think.  But some sure signs of mental instability are:  Gagging in uncomfortable situations, little to no social life, "not being good at talking", random outbursts about nothing (unless you count things like green curtains and chocolate milk as something), tears more than once in a single day about different things, being afraid of eating in front of people, and treating your mother like a shrink.  ok, so maybe it is easier to spot then I thought...

3.  Control Issues.  When a guy controls you right down to the hair color that you want to have and the color lipstick that you want to wear, RUN.  He's a control freak.  Most guys wouldn't even know the difference between Red and Plumtastic lip gloss.  For the love of God...

4.  Not being able to leave his mommy for more than 3 hours.  

5.  Taking on the feminine role in the relationship.  If you and your man were to ever get jumped, he should be the one to protect you.  If you feel as if you would be the one that would need to take off her 5 inch heels and slam the creep in the face a few times to protect your whimpering b/f, there's a problem..  No, I did not have this situation all planned out in my head in case it actually happened...  Other feminine traits your man should not be good at:  Manipulating, gossiping, CRYING, mood swings, extreme nervousness, verbal diarrhea, clinginess, catty jealousy, spying habits, and so on.  One or two of those traits are tolerable, but if he exhibits all of those traits you might want to ask him to pull his pants down..well, you would need to double check if "it" is actually there!

6.  Extremely, pathetic waterworks.  While I'm not saying that a man can't be sensitive or cry over realistic situations.  If he cries for NO reason several times a week, RUN.  Please refer back to reason #2.

7.  Spying, like 007 style.  Trust is the root of every relationship, and if he can't trust you, the relationship isn't going to work.

8.  Your social life slowly fizzles into nothing.  Don't let him manipulate you into thinking it's "weird" to have guy friends or that it's "weird" to go out with co-workers.  Guess what?  HE'S WEIRD FOR EVEN SUGGESTING SUCH STUIPD THINGS!!!!  ...and that would be me starting an angry rant...onto #9...

9.  If he chases you.  Now I don't mean in the figurative sense.  It's very nice to be wooed.  It is NOT nice to be PHYSICALLY chased.  Ever been chased down a drive way or a street before?  It's not fun...

10.  If he's the land lords son.  Don't shit where you sleep or work.  It's a bad idea.



How do you know when someone's not right for you?
Come on people!  Help my baby cousin out!!

43 comments:

  1. maybe she should put out. just a thought :P lol

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  2. @Bart...For the love of God, she's NINE!!!

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  3. aww... boys shouldn't be taking up that much space when you're nine... i thought buys was stupid back then HAHA. but god I wish someone listened to me when I first startet noticing them and could give me advise. You are a great cousin and I really love this post =D

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  4. A list worthy of 10 to 100. That is such a vulnerable age when they begin to feel drawn to matters of the heart. Good thing she has an older cousin to guide her.

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  5. If every woman obeyed these 10 simple rules, there would have been a few thousand fewer episodes of the Jerry Springer Show.

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  6. LOL Bart is a tad out to lunch.

    Damn! I have a sign of mental instability, whatever will I do? As if the rhyming wasn't a clue, right? hahaha stinkin social life.

    I pass everything else though, even though maybe I should employ some of number 5. After all I can't say I don't like having my pants pulled down..LOL I'd never shit were I work, waaay to much trouble, plus literally I don't use any germy work toilets, I'll hold it..haha

    Anyway,

    If they insist you have to be 100% in tune with their life, meaning you change and they don't. Run!

    Hide stuff and magically say it out of the blue, Run!

    Thinks you should be like a tv remote and do what they want when the button is pressed, run!

    Only gives answers because "I say so." Tell them to stuff it.

    Runs to mommy and repeats everything you talk about. Let them keep running.

    Gives you an ultimatium of them or the cat. Shoot them in the foot and kick them out the door...LOL

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  7. Wait

    Other feminine traits your man should not be good at: Manipulating, gossiping, CRYING, mood swings, extreme nervousness, verbal diarrhea, clinginess, catty jealousy, spying habits, and so on.

    You think those are all "feminine traits"? C'mon lady! Give us a little more credit!

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  8. @Pat...Just a tad? My poor baby cousin better not even know what that is!!

    Oh no!! Do you feel mentally unstable? I think it's with more than one sympton, but beware! I mean, those Pringles are DEADLY.

    LOL @ the germy toilets. Stop making me burst out laughing at work!! The Japanese think I'm coo coo.

    I agree with all your other tips!! I can see you've some great experiences just like me. hahaha

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  9. Hmm, I think it's funny that we wrote about douchebags on the same day. I think we should get out of our own heads. :-p

    And to tell you the truth, women can be just as destructive and hurtful as men. See my post today and you'll know what I mean. *suspense* LOL

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  10. Great list! I love your advice. :) I also like your blog remodel!

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  11. Yeah true, I just didn't want to be too mean and say he was out to lunch.

    So one symptom is okay? Yippee, I'm not unstable, as least in a bad way..lol. Damn pringle addiction gets me every time.

    Well if they think your coo coo, maybe they'll bring you some free cocopuffs..LOL

    Yeah one too many "great" experience..haha

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  12. LOL!! I've never had coa coa puffs. I'm pretty sure that they are bad for my diet!! (I gained 3 lbs?!) So hopefully the Japanese just settle for bringing me green tea. Yum!!

    and it helps your brain like blueberries. May I suggest adding that to your diet. Every time you want a pringle, drink some green tea!!

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  13. This is too funny! I'd be glad to have a cousin like you with 5-inch heels as weapons.

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  14. That's right Jax! Give advice while they're young so they know what to look for. hee hee I usually have that gut feeling, that I try to ignore but it ALWAYS ends up to be right.
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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  15. Green tea? That like coffee? Apple juice is all that passes the lips at my sea. And 3 whole lbs, whatever will you do?..LOL

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  16. @Pat...Apple juice?! Not even water?? What about a chocolate malted? Or a beer????

    Sigh...You're missing out on some amazing things in life. Like green tea, coffee, or a Frappe!

    What do you eat?

    Sigh...I'm going to ship you some meatballs and brociolle. Then you'll gain 3 pounds too :)

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  17. Every one of these is true. Especially the clingy and controlling ones. Red light immediately! My Hubby doesn't do any of these, he's a mans man and I wouldn't have it any other way. Plus he knows I've always had more guy friends than girlfriends and he's secure enough in himself to not feel threatened. In short, I've got a good one. And I got my email from Pinterest today! I'm one of the chosen ones!!

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  18. @Anne...You're in!!! That was quick!! See, I told you that you were cool enough to pin ;) Don't you feel awesome being accepted in the super exclusive, amazing club of Pintrest!!?!! hahaha

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  19. Nope, none of that. No water, beer or anything else. Swore off liquor years ago. Bah, as long as I don't know what I'm missing out on, I'm good...lol

    What do I eat?..lol...the same thing every day. Not much variety here I fear.

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  20. I am so happy neither I, nor my boyfriend, exhibit any of your "feminine traits." But I will put it out there that if anyone jumped us, I'd probably be the one to step up and kick their a**.

    I don't think Rich has ever been in a fist fight in his life, and I LOVE that about him.

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  21. Whoa, hey, look at this blog! I love it!

    Your post was awesome but I admit, I spent more time mooning over your lovely new layout!

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  22. Wait, kids are having boy troubles when they're in the single digit age range now? Whaaa?

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  23. oh man I'm no good at talking - that's where its all been going wrong
    ...on a serious note number 8 is so true

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  24. she has to put him out right now, personal advice ;)

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  25. LOL, my face when she's going to grow up to be uncontrollably attracted to all these traits, girls smh. And, I've tagged you, yay! If you don't do it a horde of flying monkeys will track you down and tickle you for an hour straight in front of your friends and family (the social ridicule of this will be unbearable)And, they'll take all of your money. Here's the link

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  26. LOL, oh Jax!! I love your advice. You are one rockin big cousin. Everything you have listed is very true.

    I would add that if he treats a waiter/waitress rudely, then he has to go. Also, advice from my dad, if he doesn't open doors for you or wears a clip-on tie, he is a goner.

    I love, love, love your blog redesign!! Jenn is amazing, isn't she?

    *Erin

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  27. I totally need to re-think my relationship because he has a lot of these signs. I love your articles because they are so insightful. I love reading your post. Have you ever thought about working for a magazine?

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  28. Ah, Jax you are so wise.

    But aren't the boys still supposed to have cooties at that age? ha.

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  29. @Downtown...aww thanks girl! Working for a magazine would be a dream. :)

    @Betsy...I'm 23 and still think boys have cooties!! LOL Kidding...well, somewhat kidding...

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  30. hey, jax! what a fabulous list of advice. you're a very talented writer. btw, i really love the new look of your blog... looks amazing. :) hope you had a great v-day. i'll definitely check out your partner's blog. :)

    xoxo
    jasmine

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  31. blog looks great. it's gettin' crowded in here. don't poop where you eat is right, but that has to be learned.

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  32. I was laughing so loud when i read this!!! you are really witty!! :)

    love the drama of childhood :)

    love K

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  33. If you wrote #4 out of experience you have to tell us that story!

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  34. Visiting my cousin on the weekend (hopefully no silly boy drama)

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  35. @Besercules...Not much to tell! The guy was petrified of leaving his mother! Very bizzarre...After three to about four hours he would start balling! He went with my NJ once (about a 40min drive away), and he starting BALLING b/c he was "homesick". I'm talking tears pouring, snot dripping, blubbering. Sigh...

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  36. @Jax and you dated this guy? And how did a man-er boy like that get the courage to ask out a girl? (did his mom do it for him?)

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  37. @Besercules...Well, I was the land lord so he only had to go down stairs. He was close enough to mommy to pull off "normal" for a short time. LOL

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  38. lol what a good list!
    considering she´s so young maybe she won´t even get close to such experiences. not yet at least.
    my radar is a little off because i´ve been in a relationship for 4 years haha i´ve kinda forgotten some stuff.
    but i´d say the most important part is to be with someone who respects you and loves you for who you are. the whole point of being in a relationship is to compliment one another and feel good about who you are. stay away from the people who don´t value you the way you are.

    XO Jannine

    http://FashionistArg.blogspot.com

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  39. @Jax Pull off normal? But he lived with his mom!

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  40. That may be true..but...buttt...ok, You're right! hahaha

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