Friday, December 30, 2011

A Guardian Angel

Happy Friday everyone!!  Guess what?  After today, there’s a 3 day weekend!!  Who doesn’t love those??

I have a story for all of you.  The weirdest thing happened to me last night.  It all started with a little visitor in my bathroom.  (& by little visitor, I mean unwanted guest!!)  I was bleaching my vanity when I saw the evil little monster.  Lurking on the wall beneath the window was a jet black spider staring me down like I was dinner!  The evil glare coming from this insect triggered my inner warrior.  I ran off to my room to get suited up.  Fully equipped with a hoodie, a bottle of hairspray (Hairspray is vital!  It freezes bugs once it dries!), and some serious Raid, I yelled and ran full speed ahead into battle.  3 minutes later, I hailed victorious!!  Since my apartment smelled like Raid and hairspray, I executed a Febreeze spraying spree and lit a few candles.  Then I vacuumed up that little booger and wiped up the Raid residue.  I hid any evidence of the murder.

A few hours later, 10:30 PM to be exact, I fell into a deep sleep.  Throughout the night I wake up every couple of hours to make sure that my alarm clock is really set.  OCD much?? Lol  Last night was different.  I was awakened at 1:30AM by a figure.  The second I opened my eyes and saw the shadow lurking over me, I flipped over to the other side and starting chanting “go away”.  Apparently spirits can not be in your personal space if you don’t allow them too.  Telepathically, this spirit was ordering me to turn up the heat.  I was hot and didn’t want to put the heat up any higher than it already was so I just kept chanting “go away”.  The spirit was stubborn and insisted on me turning up the heat.  To appease my new visitor (and to get it to go away), I got up to raise the thermostat.  As I got up and walked the few steps to the thermostat, the figure moved from in front of me to in front of the doorway in my room.  As the spirit moved, so did my eyes.  That’s when I saw it.  I left all 3 candles burning from the whole spider escapade.  Quickly, I ran over to the candles and blew them out.  The spirit didn’t want me to raise the heat.  The spirit was trying to save my land lord’s house and my life!

This morning when I woke up and thought about last night’s events, I realized that my visitor wasn’t a spirit.  My visitor was a guardian angel.  My fear quickly faded away.

Here’s to wishing all of you a very Happy New Year!!
I’ll drink to that :)

-LMF

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Some Freegan Facts ;)

The other day I was talking to my coworker.  We can refer to him as AReliableSource.  As usual, he started to tell me about all sorts of craziness.  Then he hit on a topic that sparked my interest.  Have you ever heard of Freeganism?  Don’t worry, neither did I!  He gave me a quick lecture on the basics of this bizarre lifestyle, but left me thirsty for more.  Almost immediately I went through the entire Google universe searching for facts and pictures about the Freegans.  Freegans may just be my new found heroes!

Before I go on to tell you all the fascinating things I’ve learned, let me start by saying that Freeganism is an extreme lifestyle.  It’s an act of revolt against the economy, our environment, politics, and the basic way of life.  Keep your mind open people!!  Remember:  Just because something is different, doesn’t mean that it’s bad. That being said, while I admire these people, I am far to OCD to adopt any of their habits.

Via
Freeganism:  Freegans are best known for their revolt against the food industry.  They collect and eat food that has been thrown away.  This is mostly done through an act known as “Dumpster Diving”.  I know, I couldn’t do that either.  I’m getting itchy thinking about it!  They also participate in community gardening and plate scraping.  These are all attempts at ending world hunger and unnecessary food waste.  According to Wikipedia, 1/3 of the world’s food is wasted.  Due to sell by dates and other food guidelines, the food industry constantly throws away perfectly good food.  Freegans collect this food and eat it.  According to AReliableSource, Freegans also bleach this food before they consume it.  I do not confirm this information, but I do promote it.  Hahaha  While “Dumpster Diving” may be a bit extreme for me, I do get the point they are trying to make and applaud their efforts.  So many people are going hungry in this world when tons of food is going right into the garbage.  Fail!!!

Squatting:  Freegans also participate in something referred to as “Squatting”.  To “squat” is to occupy a vacant residence without any legal authority to do so.  This is a stand against homelessness.  According to Wikipedia, there are over 1,000,000 Freegans practicing “squatting” world wide.  It’s way to risky for LMF to try, but it certainly does make sense!!  These are heroes, people!!!  Many people are bound to get annoyed by this.  I get their points too.  We work hard to pay our rent or our mortgage, while these people are illegally living in homes for free.  Ok, now I want you to throw that mindset out the window for a second and think of all the homeless people in the world.  Why are there so many homeless people in the world when there are perfectly good places that are sitting abandoned and vacant?  That is the point the Freegans are trying to make. 

Humanure:  This concept completely blows my mind!!  “Humanure” is exactly what it sounds like.  It’s manure used as fertilizer, but it’s made from human feces.  Freegans typically use “humanure” in their community gardens.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with agriculture, human waste is toxic to many plants and vegetation unless it is decomposed properly.  To do this, Freegans build unique toilet bowls made of plywood and fill them with saw dust.  While I do admire their dedication, I’m gagging already…  Apparently when they excrete (Look at me being professional! Hahaha), the waste’s poisons are filtered somehow through the sawdust.  The sawdust not only detoxifies the crap, it all also lessens the stank.  Now here’s the kicker… The feces do not compose within days.  They don’t even compose within weeks or months.  It takes over a year!!!  They need to store their home made “humanure” for over a year before it’s safe to use on plants.  For the love of God, imagine THAT in your back yard.  A nice “Shit Shed” or whatever you want to call it!!  Sigh….You can add that to your DIY list.  Lol!

Now that you’re all experts on Freeganism and parts of their lifestyle, tell me,
What do you think of Freeganism?

-LMF

P.S.  Do you see the little Facebook like button to right?  Yes, that one!  Can you click it because you love me oh so much?  Thank you!!  You're the best!  :)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Time to Reel 'Em In!!!

Since I have been on an online dating site for a little over a month now, I feel that I can legitimately state an opinion.  I hate online dating.  I’ve heard many success stories and am very happy for my friends and family that have found their mate on a website.  The lovely Peaches, TheViking, and TheBigCheese are all great examples of online dating successes!  I’ve also heard many horror stories.  The Gladiator and his 3-1/2 foot tall “match” ring a bell to anyone?  While I’ve experienced neither a horror nor a success, I think it’s time.  It’s time for this little fishy to reel her line out of the internet pool and go fishing elsewhere.  Where?  I have no clue…but I do know that it will be in different waters...


Now I wouldn’t be Ms. Fun if I didn’t give you a whole list of reasons why I hate online dating.  Voila!  (During dinner the other night, I let my brother in on a secret.  I think “Voila!” would be a great name for a little girl.  He didn’t agree.)

1.  Overwhelming.  Ever go to the park to feed the ducks?  You start with one or two little ducks who appreciate what you’re doing.  A slice of bread later and you’re suddenly ambushed with mean geese that are hissing for a bite of bread.  Horrible...

2.  Bullies.  In the online dating world there is no such thing as shy.  Those cute, shy boys have huevos that hit the floor.  They are not only pushy, but they are mean when rejected nicely.  Funny what people say while hiding behind their computer…

3.  Mirage.  Very few people actually look like their picture.  Some people post a picture of them 50 pounds lighter.  Others post pictures from years back when they had a full head of hair.  Someone even posted pictures of their friend!!  …Nothing is as it seems!!  I know looks aren’t everything, but if you feel the need to try and trick people, you’re not worth my time.

4.  Status.  Many of the men on these websites are actually married.  Don’t give me that look of disbelief!!  It’s true!!  There is no way of finding out the actual status of these people.

5.  Liars.  Forget about deceitful pictures or possible wives.  Some people make up an entire fantasy life.  You may think that you’re dating a successful lawyer from a great family with a beautiful French Poodle.  In reality, you may be dating the neighborhood ice cream man that has nothing living in his apartment other then the mold growing on the ceiling…  Bleh!  I cringe just at the word MOLD!

6.  Safety.  No matter what safety precautions you execute, there is always going to be a risk with this.  You don’t really know who you are meeting in person.  I could text my family this person’s information as much as I want, nothing’s going to stop a serial killer.  Just sayin…

7.  Phone Number.  Another problem is EVERYONE wants your phone number!!  The last thing that I need is a bunch of random people calling me.  I’d prefer to get to know you on the website first.  Then maybe graduate to Facebook or e-mail.  If you’re still around, maybe then you can get the digits.  Try and tell the little fishies that one.  They’ll harass you for a little while, call you a few names, and then swim away like a shark’s on their ass.

8.  The Big Question.  There is one huge question that usually sums it all up.  Why are you on an online dating website?  Maybe you’re too busy to go out.  Maybe all of your friends are married making you the awkward fifth wheel.  Maybe you’re just too shy to approach people in person.  Whatever the reason, I need to know why!!  MYOB?  Hell no…they could also be on there because they smell like rotten cheese, because they are tied up with a real girlfriend, or because they are on the pedophile list!!  The problem is, it’s too easy to meet people online.  Get to know the fishes in this sea and you’ll know what I mean.

Are you going to try online dating?

I don’t want to discourage anyone from trying online dating.  It’s not for everyone, but it’s definitely for some.  I’m all for trying anything once.  Throw your line out there.  If you don’t like who nibbles, reel it in and move on to the next spot.  Still not happy?  Try changing your bait!  You’re bound to catch a whole new type of fish then.

Oh, and I know you’re all dying to know what happened with TheBlowFish!  He’s still around, but there’s no “spark”.  Like I said, I’ll keep fishing!

-LMF

Monday, December 26, 2011

Ur gonna shoot ur eye out kidd

It's the day after Christmas, and I'm exhausted!!!  Friday night I baked more cookies than I could fit in a giant cookie jar.  I also baked two huge sheets of red velvet cheesecake brownies (omg, Yum!!!)  I ate triple my weight in food between the feast of seven fishes, Christmas day's 4 course meal, and today's left overs. I was showered with gifts that I probably didn't deserve and gave out so many presents that I felt like Santa Claus.  I spent much needed time with my family.  We laughed until tears came out of our eyes.  We watched football (actually, I'm still watching football.  Here's to me hoping the Saints get demolished!!).  We also spoiled the crap out of my baby Godson.  In short, my Christmas weekend was nothing short of amazing.

How was your holiday weekend?
I want details now... :)

Now that Christmas has passed, I can share with you guys something that I've been giddy about for the past 3 months!!!  Brother and I decided to do a Patriots Christmas swap.  We got each other a patriot's jerseys.  (Guess which jersey I got? ... How'd you know?!?!?!?)  I got my brother his favorite player,  #83, Welker!!  He got me my favorite player, #81, Mr. Aaron Hernandez swoon...!!



My dad, TheViking, spoiled me rotten by getting me a GPS (guess he's sick of me getting lost?? haha) and a flat screen TV with a DVD player attached (Bye bye VCR!!  Yes, I still have one of those...).  I tried to return the favor by giving him a gift just as spectacular.  Since my dad, TheViking, likes to pretend he's Robin Hood by trekking through the woods with a bow and arrow, I needed to get something that fit the role.  I settled for a fire pit to put in his backyard.  (Hello s'mores parties!!  Who's coming?? lol)
I got Madre the hair straightener that she wanted.  I also got her a Barry White CD.  No!  She doesn't like Barry White...but she DOES have a gentleman caller named Barry that I'm working on getting rid of!!  She got the most beautiful cameo ring.  It's absolutely gorgeous and has a face the most perfect size for my hand.  It also has an adjustable band which is great because I have child size fingers.  


My family and I exchanged some amazing gifts that were all very thoughtful.  Most of these things I will cherish for life and maybe will even pass down to my children oh god one day.

In exchange for all the things I have to be grateful for, I made a generous donation to the Island Harvest.  I hope this helps to feed a family that is less fortunate.  My grandparents filled up a baby bottle full of money to donate to a less fortunate family.  They also bought a few gifts for a stranger and left it under their tree in the church.  Madre made a dedication to sponsor animals that were abused.  It's always important to remember to give back.  If you can, try and remember the real meaning of the holidays.   Make a difference to others.

What goodies did you get graced with this year?
and how did you give back??

-LMF

Friday, December 23, 2011

Buon Natale, Joyeux Noël, メリークリスマス

Happy Eve of Christmas Eve!!  Is that a real holiday?  I’m not sure, but that’s still not an excuse to skip the celebration!  I sent my brother an invitation for a holiday bake off with homemade hot chocolate (I use soy milk in mine because it’s vegetarian.  Try it!  I swear it’s delicious.  Just don’t tell Brother what he’s drinking…).  We will enjoy our festive night talking like silly little kids, making a mess, and enjoying the famous Hans in the background.  If we get extra lucky, maybe Biff will even join us.  Then we’ll get to be even louder and make a bigger mess.  I love the Eve of Christmas Eve!!

The Feast of Seven Fishes

It’s no secret that I am of full Italian descent.  I grew up celebrating holidays as a typical Italian-American.  As a child I always thought these traditions were just the way things were done.  I had no idea that it was because of my ethnicity.  Growing up, my best friends and family friends were all Italian-American.  I knew nothing else.  It wasn’t until I was introduced to a new best friend in High School who was Jewish that I learned that people celebrate things differently.  Then when I started dating a Greek, my mind was really blown!  Sheltered much?  Hahaha

In my family, Christmas Eve is a bigger deal than December 25.  When my brother was given the option of working Christmas day or Christmas eve, he made his decision without hesitiation.  He chose to work on Christmas day.  Every year, on December 24, my family gathers together in different homes to indulge in The Feast of Seven FishesThis vegetarian eats fish, so this holiday is cleary at the top of my list.  Yum!!  Throughout the course of the night, everyone must eat seven different types of fishes.  I’m not sure why we eat seven or what will happen if we don’t eat all seven, but I’m not going to be the rebel that finds out!

We start off the feast with a typical antipasto and gabanadina.  Then comes out the fried calamari (1), baked clams (2), and the crab cakes (3).  After a short break, the feast continues with a hefty serving of linguine and clam sauce (4)I know that I already said BAKED clams, but hey, it’s cooked differently so it deff counts as #4!!  Don’t hate…  This is when the women come and gather all the pasta dishes.  After a quick clean up and heat up, out comes the flounder (5), stuffed tilapia (6), and shrimp scampi (7).  The meal is also separated by other fillers such as vegetables and a hearty salad!  My moms side of the family likes to add the traditional bacala.  That’s salted cod fish.  It’s disgusting.  Luckily I spend Christmas eve on my father’s side! 

The feast doesn’t end there.  We are then filled to breaking point with wine, fruits, cookies, cakes, chocolates, canolis, and even roasted chestnuts.  It’s amazing how I stay 98 pounds with all that food!!
 

What are your holiday traditions?

I want to wish you all a very Happy Holiday filled with plenty of family time and a lot of laughter.
<3
-LMF

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Hans: Can you HAHndle Eet??

With one final down and only one more to go, I can finally start getting into the Christmas spirit.  A little late, I know!  haha  Despite the unnaturally warm weather, my ridiculously busy schedule, and the fact that I didn't make my way to Rockefeller Center yet, I am determined to get into the Christmas spirit.  I made hot chocolate and bought all the ingredients to make delicious holiday cookies.  I have a gigantic pile of gifts on my bedroom floor that I am about to wrap in festive paper.  Maybe I'll even pretend I'm a little elf as I wrap.  That should get me in the mood quick.  hahaha  All of my holiday pastimes are going to be done with my favorite Christmas movies playing in the background.

Home for the Holidays

Why?  Because this is the first movie that I've EVER seen with Mr. Robert Downey Jr.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was sitting on the couch with my grandfather who had to listen to the question "Who's that actor?" about 500 times!  This is a cute movie that reminds us that we're not the only ones with crazy families.  It really gets you in the holiday spirit!























Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage

Why?  Because another one of my favorites is the starring role!!  Jared Padalecki is especially adorable playing the life of Thomas Kinkade.  Madre didn't care for the movie because a piece of the ceiling fell into pancakes and the characters just laughed.  She didn't find that funny.  Her OCD kicked in.  lol!  This is a corny Lifetime movie that can't help but put a smile on your face.  A Christmas must see.  :)





















Friends and Lovers

This is my absolute favorite holiday movie of all time!!!
Why?  Because of The Hans!!!!!  Brother, Biff, and I can be found imitating The Hans several times a week.  He is by far one of our favorite movie characters of all time!  I have an entire Facebook album dedicated to him.  If you haven't experienced The Hans, let LMF introduce you.  Even if your the Bah Humbug of the century, you'll appreciate Mr. Downey as a sexy German ski instructor.  You get the LMF seal of approval on that one!






Watch the movie and learn why The Hans is so intriguing!!!  Can u hahndle eet?!

What are your favorite holiday movies?

-LMF

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

How to Knock the Scrooge out!

Happy Tuesday everyone!!  I’m not sure if that’s something to be happy about, but we got through Monday alright!  Haha  Tonight is the company’s holiday party.  All my coworkers and I meet up in some fancy reception hall where we eat, drink, and have raffles at the company’s expense.  It’s a great time!  As long as we remember that our managers are sitting next to us and that the CEO is within ear shot of our conversations, everything should go great.  I always look forward to work parties.  It’s a great environment to get loose with the people that you see more than your family.  How pathetic is that?  I spend more time trying to understand Japanese than I do Sicilian.  Sigh…

Despite the obvious language barrier, we do have a great time together at work.  The people I work for are great.  They give us plenty of breaks, supply us with unlimited green tea, and never look over our shoulder.  The Japanese also work very hard at trying to understand our customs.  Watching my friend, TheAssistant, try and explain Rudolph to a Japanese manager was something that should have been caught on video!  Since I have been with this company long enough, I can pick out the Scrooges among us.  The Scrooges are the coworkers that I guarantee will bring down the party just a little bit.  They make everyone uncomfortable and are never happy no matter what perks they receive.  So here’s my question:  How do you de-Scrooge someone?

1.  Mistletoe.  No one can be grumpy under the magic of the mistletoe!  Hang some hidden mistletoe and hope that your Scrooge ventures under it.  When they least expect it, run up to them and give them a big smooch on the cheek.  Unless you’re less than 5’1, then you’ll have to jump up a little and things might get a little awkward…

2.  Dominic The Donkey.  Play that infamous Christmas song about the Italian Christmas donkey.  Grab your Scrooge by the arm and start doing a little jig.  If a little jig to an Italian song doesn’t but a smile on your Scrooge’s face, you might be in trouble!

3.  Useful.  Give your Scrooge something useful to do.  Make them in charge of handing out cups, keeping the bathroom in check, or the music.  If you keep the Scrooge busy with something else, maybe they’ll forget how miserable they are!  Or maybe it will keep them distracted from bringing down others…

4.  The Grinch.  Keep a Grinch reference handy.  Maybe put up a Grinch decoration or have the movie playing nonchalantly in the background on mute.  During the perfect opportunity and in the friendliest voice you could muster up, exclaim loudly how your Scrooge is the Grinch of the party.  This will either get them mad enough to leave, or will force them to lighten up.

5.  Santa Claus.  Bribe someone to show up as Santa Claus.  Then force the Scrooge to sit on their lap and stay for a photo shoot!  Black mail for future Scrooge events?  You’re welcome!

6.  Chocolate.  Keep plenty of chocolate handy.  If you see your Scrooge with empty hands, shove something chocolate in there.  It could be hot chocolate, chocolate cake, or a Hershey’s kiss!  Chocolate heals all!

7.  Gift.  Sometime during the middle of the party, surprise your Scrooge with a small, thoughtful gift.  This will make them feel special and hopefully put a damper on their miserable energy.  I’m not talking anything spectacular!  A holiday Pez dispenser will work.  Cute, thoughtful, and it will give them something to play with.

8.  Flirt.  Assign one of your friends to be the flirt of the evening.  When your Scrooge makes eye contact, have your friend deliver a casual wink or nod.  Who doesn’t get all giddy like a little school girl when they get their flirt on??

9.  Look Alive. Nicely point out that the Scrooge looks like the walking dead.  Offer some quick advice on how to look presentable.  Maybe they could wipe the white, nasty crust from the corner of their mouth and…I don’t know…maybe, SMILE!  Just sayin…

10.  Booze.  When all of your de-Scroogeing options are exhausted, just booze them up.  Unless of course your Scrooge is just an even angrier drunk, then you’re just screwed.  May I suggest Pinnacle’s Whip Cream Vodka?  It’s so delicious that even your Scrooge can’t deny a few shots of it.

Could you tell that I had a coworker in mind as I wrote this out?  Oh well, that coworker will not Scrooge me tonight!
Or she might just have a smooch giving, jig dancing, and drink forcing little girl on her hands!

So, How do you get the Scrooge out of someone?

-LMF

Sunday, December 18, 2011

We are the CHAMPIONS, My friendd!

Guess what guys?!  NE Patriots won again!!  Not only did we secure our spot as the division champions, but Hernandez finally showed up that brick wall of a Gronkowski.  Sorry Tebow...don't worry though, you're still a looker ;)  To add to the shock of the evening, Ochocinco not only managed to complete a pass, but he also scored a touch down!!  I'm serious.  He really did!  


While I knew that my Pats would pull through, I wasn't so sure about my fantasy teams.  Demarco Murray suffered a devastating injury leaving me at a loss for a good running back.  Sidney Rice also needed to be dropped leaving me short a WR.  Out of desperation, I drafted Woodhead and Greg Little who both ended up being clutch pick ups.  Guess who secured NFL Fantasy Championship spots in both her teams?  Try not to eep!  I've been eeping all night!  That's right!  Little Ms. Fun did!!  Take that boys ;)


While his rookie skills aren't at par with Brady's yet, let's admire his beauty.  Swoon....Tebow Time!!
Ok, enough football talk, although I'm still smiling ear to ear with excitement.  Pathetic!  I was just talking to one of my best friend's, DramaQueen, about hair and make up secrets.  She asked me for a few tips and I was more than happy to share.  She adopted my Sunday night routine and loves it.  Hopefully since it works well for us, it will work well for you too,  These tips only get the LMF seal of approval for the Winter time.  I have a whole different regimen for other seasons!


Face Mask:  Every Wednesday and Sunday night I spend an hour with the mask on.  I apply it to my "T-zone" to fight off extra oils that build up throughout the week.  Us Sicilians are know for oily skin.  This is a great way to help it!  After drying out my face with the mask, I remove it with a rag dampened with steaming hot water.  Rubbing the mask off with the rag helps to exfoliate your skin as well.  I then apply a thick layer of oil-free moisturizer.  If you don't moisturize your face after you remove the natural oils, your skin will create more oil in attempt to fight off the dryness.  Plus, you should always moisturize to help fight wrinkles!  These are the products I use:
















Hair Mask:  I then lay a towel down on my pillow and make my secret hair mask recipe.  In a bowl I mix 1/3 cup of olive oil, 1 egg white, and a scoop of mayonnaise.  I then apply it evenly to the ends of my hair.   To make sure that it stays put, I take a ziploc bag and wrap it around my hair with an elastic band.  Yes, I probably smell like a really bad salad.  In the morning I wash my hair like normal.  When I dry it, my hair is so soft and silky that I feel like I'm part of a Pantene commercial!!

Hand & Feet Mask:  Right before I go to bed, I apply a ridiculous amount of moisturizer onto my hands and feet.  I then cover them with moisturizing socks and gloves.  You won't believe how amazingly soft my hands and feet come out!!!  I learned this trick from my ex, TheSwede.  Sigh...  Since I get a UV manicure every two weeks, I find that my cuticles get especially dry.  For this I apply rose cuticle oil before I put on the moisturizer.  It works amazing.  These are my favorite products:
















You think my winter routine is bad?  In the summer time, I add avocado to my hair mask.  Then I REALLY look and smell like a salad!  Don't judge!!  The Sunday night torture is well worth it on Monday morning.

What's your secret Sunday night routine?

-LMF

P.S.  Brother made a surprise for my blog!!  I can't wait to share it with you guys :)

Friday, December 16, 2011

Ginger Cookies, Snow, & a Joke

Happy Weekend Everyone!!

I would like to take a minute to point out that there are light flurries in my blog's forecast for the next few weeks.  Do you see the pretty little snow flakes falling down my page?!?  Every time I see the snow I eep like a little girl!  The snow is thanks to the lovely Kim from the blog SassyUptownChic.  Check her out, she's pretty awesome! 

Do you see the Renuzit?  It's one of 22 laying around my apt.  Finding it in the pic made me LOL!
I'm spending my Friday night very low key.  I already read through half a Glamour magazine, drank a glass and a half of delicious red wine, and baked a whole batch of homemade ginger snap cookies.  So I have date nights with myself.  Big deal!  LMF says it's good for you!  So you want to hear my secret?  I didn't make the cookies completely from scratch.  I cheated...but, just a little.  

All you need is one box of gingerbread cake mix, 2 eggs, 1/3 cup of vegetable oil, and some Sugar in the Raw for this holiday deliciousness.  I mix everything together except for the sugar until it's completed blended.  I then do the double spoon trick and lay out the mix in tablespoon scoops on a buttered cookie sheet.  Then sprinkle some Sugar in the Raw (I swear by Sugar in the Raw.  I refuse to consume regular sugar.  It's so bad for you!!) on top of the uncooked cookies.  Bake for 8 minutes at 375 degrees.  Let cool and enjoy.  They are delicious and super easy!  

Before I go to finish reading my Glamour mag, I want to share with you a really funny dirty joke that my dad, TheViking, told Biff and I.  Enjoy :)

An Italian man came to America and caught sight of beautiful, black dress shoes.
He decided that he needed these shoes.  He bought them immediately.
Later that week, the Italian man went to a church function.
He saw a woman and asked her to dance.  While they were dancing, he asked her a question.
"Are you wearing yellow panties?"
"Why, yes I am!  How did you know?"
"It's my shoes!  I could see the reflection.  Aren't they so shiny and beautiful?"
"Why, yes they are!"
Time passed and the Italian man saw a new girl that he wanted to dance with.
Next thing you know, the two of them were dancing when he had to ask another question.
"Are you wearing pink panties?"
"Why, yes I am!  How did you know?"
"It's my shoes!  I could see the reflection.  Aren't they so shiny and beautiful?"
"Why, yes they are!"
A little more time passed, when a new girl caught the Italian man's eye.
After agreeing to dance, the Italian man got all sweaty and hot.  He started trembling with nerves and fighting back fear.  This time the woman asked the question.
"Is everything ok?"
"Well, no.  Are you wearing any underwear?"
"Why, no I'm not!  How did you know?"
"Oh, thank God!!  I thought I had a crack in my new shoe."
hahahahaha only TheViking!

What are your Friday night plans?

-LMF

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Respect & An Apology

I would like to start this entry with a public apology.  As you all know, I am in the midst of an annual meatless cleanse by becoming a vegetarian for a year.  Why?  Because it’s estimated that for every year an individual doesn’t consume meat, 50 animals are saved.  One of the reasons I decided to deprive myself of meat is because my father, TheViking, is an avid hunter.  Ladies and gentlemen, he is up to his SEVENTH deer of the season.  Yes, it’s legal.  He has a nuisance permit.  Once my friend caught wind that my dad makes the most delicious deer chili (bleh!) in all of NY, she decided that she wanted to try some.  So what did I do?  I personally delivered 4 pounds of Bambi to my girlfriend, Peaches, so she could have a feast.  For my participation in this evil, I am so sorry.

Other than throwing all my morals out the window by hand delivering a rotting deer carcass in a Christmas gift bag, I had a pretty big day today.  My oral presentation for that OB class was tonight.  I aced it with a 25/25.  Woohoo!  Today was also a big business meeting where I had to present for an hour.  I’m not shy at all, but training people three times my age is a little intimidating!  Being a young American woman, I am the minority in this company.  I would say 90% of the organization is Japanese and even more so are males.  To be in a position where I oversee the work of older Japanese men, is a little scary to say the least.  How do you earn respect in the workforce?

1. Look Alive.  Appearance is everything.  You can only make a first impression once.  A good employee should always be clean, neat, and well put together.  How an individual takes care of themselves is a great reflection on their work ethics.  One coworker, TheWalkingDead, always comes in looking like she just got out of the hospital after getting run over by a bus.  As a result, no one takes her seriously. 

2. Turnover.  While it’s great to be confident in your abilities, you should never get too comfortable in your position.  TheWalkingDead once said to me “I can’t be fired because no one else can do what I do”.  Not true!  I managed when you didn’t show for a week…  It’s important to remember that everyone is dispensable.  You might be great at what you do, but you could always be replaced.

3. Big Head.  Being given certain privileges does not qualify you as the CEO.  Being trusted with confidential information does not make you anyone’s boss.  Don’t exercise more power than you actually have or you’re bound to upset a few people.  One coworker was switched to the administration department as an assistant.  His head grew so big that it’s about to explode.  Did I mention that he’s an assistant?  Acting like the boss before you are one doesn’t impress anyone.

4.  Ignorance.  You know the people who pretend not to know how to do something so they won’t have to do it?  Yea, don't be one of them.  People want competent employees, not fake nitwits that pretend to be clueless. 

5.  Eye Contact.  Make eye contact with all your superiors, especially during a business meeting.  This exudes confidence.  Employers want to know that their staff is representing them well.  Try and avoid all those ums, ers and other noises we make!

6.  Know Your Audience.  Please refrain from cracking that dirty joke to your uptight CEO.  Save it for your manager that takes you out to lunch and giggles throughout your small talk.  Recognize who you are speaking to and act accordingly. 

7.  Fresh Breathe.  For the love of God, pop a tic tac!!  For those of us that actually eat breakfast, it could leave a funk in our mouth.  I eat a hard boiled egg every morning and then wash it down with coffee.  Thank God for Colgate!  Make sure that you have minty fresh breath before conversing with people.  You don’t want to be known as the person with a stank.

8.  Show Up.  I don’t understand how some people never show up for work and then have the nerve to complain about getting fired or missing out on promotions.  Really?  You’re never here!! Promotion to what?  Director of stay home and lay in bed?  It’s very simple people, if you want to get somewhere in a company have good attendance and be on time.

9.  Cellie.  Put the phone down and get to work!  You’re not getting paid to talk on your cell phone or text, or blog, or tweet…ok I get the point…  Impress your manager by keeping the personal business to a minimum.

10.  Hummer.  This is my biggest working pet peeve.  If I wanted to sit through a concert, I would buy tickets and go see one.  For the love of God, STOP WITH THE HUMMING, or worse, THE WHISTLING!!  Sit at your desk and do your job silently.


What would you do to gain respect?

-LMF

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Power of Words

Let's skip the small talk and get right to business.  I want you to picture the manliest guy that you could think of.  Got it?  Good!  Now I want you to picture them slowly walking towards you.  They give you that half smirk that says "I've got something good to say".  They open their mouth and out comes your worst fear.  He says that word!  What word you ask?  You know.. that word that makes you cringe and giggle at the same time.  We all have a word or words that we don't ever want to hear come out of a mans mouth.  The sound of those turn off words echoing from a man's vocal chords will instantly demolish any fantasy living in the minds of a woman.

I don't know what he-man came to your head, but when I think manly man, the first guy that comes to my mind is Gerard Butler.  Maybe it's the sexy scruff, hot attitude, and the rippling abs...  Either way, I want you to picture the sexy Gerard Butler saying the following things in his deep, rough voice.

You're welcome ladies!
"Would you like to go out some time?  We could relax at a local bar and sip a cocktail!"
Really Gerard?  A cocktail?!  No thanks...

"I got you exactly what you wanted for Christmas!  I bought those sexy new panties you asked for."
Did you really just use the word panties?  Never again...

"You're a bounty hunter too?!  What a co-inky dink!!"
Excuse me as I walk away slowly...

"Whats up?"  "Nothing, you?"  "Samzies!"
That one actually happened to me.  I saved his name as Samzies in my phone and never answered again.

"I just had the most fabulous piece of rib eye steak in my entire life!"
You just took a manly meal and turned it into a tea party.  Sigh...

"I'm starring in this new film, but the lead actress is such a diva."
Oh really?  A diva!  Do you even know the qualifications of such a title Mr. Butler?

"I just heard the funniest joke.  It made me giggle."
Men don't giggle.  Chuckle, maybe, but they definitely do not giggle.


"I think the cheese in the fridge is bad.  It made my tummy hurt."
I could see a he-man with a stomach, abs, or even a gut...but a tummy?  Nope...


"Can you take out the trash?  It's stinky!"
There's a reason why Hefty didn't hire you for their commercials, Gerard!


It's funny how as girls we could let guys completely treat us like crap.  A man could call us horrible names or just talk complete stupidity.   We'll tell them to screw off and then initiate the silent treatment, but we'll still secretly be attracted to them.  Spit out those silly turn off words and we'll not only give you the cold shoulder and tell you to go away, but we'll also be turned off for life.  I don't get us girls either.  Sigh...
What words turn you off?

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Vertical Challenge

Lately I have been getting some serious crap for being short!  Ok, let’s get it straight.  I’m not miniature.  I’m not “little one”.  And I’m certainly not pocket sized!!  If you’re going to go that route, at least give me FUN sized... Standing at 5’1/2”, I am petite.  My dad, TheViking, swears that my height qualifies me as a legal midget in the state of NY. He says that I should submit my stats to DMV and get a handicap sticker.  Really?  Only a Viking would say that to their daughter… 

I think it’s time for us petite women to unite and rebel.  Despite being mistaken as 12 year olds, having our heads smashed into your guts during a hug, and having to spend extra money on getting everything hemmed, being short is amazing!  There are so many pluses to being petite.  Here are a few.  Warning:  Anyone taller than 5’4 might get jealous of all these perks.


The glorious cycle of a petite woman.

1. Innocent:  I could commit almost any crime that my little head desires.  All I have to do is look you in the eye and deny the mischief.  Aside from my evil smirk, all that you’ll see is a little, innocent girl.  Not that I ever use this to my advantage…It’s all hypothetical of course!

I crashed into a mini van once.  I did cause some minor damage to the back of this unexpecting woman’s vehicle.  I immediately pulled over and got out of the car.  The once irate woman instantly turned into a worried mother once she saw the little girl get out of the car.  Little did she know I was texting and driving!  I then overheard her on the phone with her husband.  She was saying how a little girl hit the back of her minivan.  She then told her hubby that she felt awful because the girl must’ve just got her license.  They decided to take care of the minor damages.  Good thing she didn’t check my license, because I was really 22.  I’d like to see a 6 foot tall man get out of that one!

2. The Nook:  A nook is any little space that you want to just cuddle into and hang out in for a while.  I love the little nook at the end of the sofa where the arm meets the cushion.  Nooks could be found anywhere!  And guess what?!  Us petite women can snuggle up and relax in any damn nook that we darn well please!  Why?!  Because we fit!  That’s why!

3. Heels:  You know those super hot 5” heels with a 2” platform?  Well, we could rock those and be comfortable!  My one girlfriend likes to tease about how short I am, but she gets super jealous when she sees the hot shoes I could wear.  If she tried to wear them she would tower over her man and he might not be too happy about that.  Since us petites are so tiny, we rock heels the way that you rock sneakers.  I’d race you up a flight of stairs in stiletto heels and win!

4. Choice of Men:  We could pick tall men, short men, or average height men.  It doesn’t matter because we are so tiny that any man is ok with our height.  Believe it or not, tall men usually like short girls.  I’m not talking like 6’, I’m talking like 6’4.  All of my past boyfriends have been over 6’2!  The Swede tried to explain why they like us short, but I didn’t quite grasp the message in his broken English.

5. 6 Flags Excuse:  Would you like to ride Medusa with me?  No thank you.  Not because I’m scared or anything.  You see, I just don’t reach the height requirement.  Medusa is a ridiculously scary large roller coaster in a local theme park.

6. Love Bug:  We get to drive super cute cars like TheLoveBug and Mini Coopers.  Not only can we drive them, but we look good doing so!  A tall person just looks really awkward in those little cars.  The Maintenance Man drove TheLoveBug once.  He’s 6’4.  Ridiculous wasn’t even the word to describe that.  Hahaha

7. Front Row Courtesy:  If you are under 5’4, you automatically get to be in the front row of everything.  In every photo you will be the shining star standing right in the front.  At a show the courteous person should block the view of someone else because of your petite size.  You catch my drift.  There will no abstractions in my vision during a Robert Downey Jr. Flick!

8. Cute.  Do you really need an explanation for this one?  We’re just pretty freaking cute!  That brings us back to #1…

There you have it!  8 really great reasons of why we love being short!  The next time that you want to poke fun at the short girl/guy, take a look back at this vicious cycle and remember all of the things that you are missing out on.  Meanwhile, help a girl out!  Grab that thing on the top shelf for us.  Change our light bulbs so we don’t need to climb on a chair, to get on the table, to reach that damn lamp!  Maybe even defend us in a fight so we don’t get sat on and squished.  There’s no reason why short and tall people can’t live together in perfect harmony.  Let’s ban together and fight for that perfect world where the Napoleon complex is a thing of the past!

-LMF

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