Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Callingg Dr. Fun to emergenccyy!

Did you ever play on Yahoo answers?  If not, you should!  It makes you feel like an expert on all sorts of things that just don’t matter.  (You should see me give medical advice.  Just call me Dr. Fun…LOVE it!!)  I got home a little early from class last night and had a half hour to kill before my scheduled Once Upon a Time viewing on hulu.com.  This show just keeps getting better and better!  I’m beyond hooked!  If you haven’t checked it out yet, please do.  Right now.  I decided to spend that free time playing Dr. Fun on Yahoo answers.  I kept stumbling across the same question over and over and over again.  Why can’t I meet a man?  What a general question.  How the hell is Dr. Fun supposed to know why YOU specifically can not meet a man?  Maybe you have 10 heads.  Maybe you have some weird OCD that makes you skip everywhere you go.  The possibilities are endless….

For you middle school girls that were just granted permission to use the internet and posted that unspecific question on Yahoo Answers 6,000 times, this post is dedicated to you. 

1. Hermit.  New flash:  There is no man chilling in your closet waiting for you to pick out your favorite pair of jeans.  Men don’t actually join you in the shower when you shampoo with Herbal Essences and scream “I’ve got the urge”.  Trust me, I’ve tried this one.  Several times… You’re not going to come home from school and find the boy next door sitting on your couch.  If you want to meet a man, you have to actually venture outside of your home and socialize.  Gasp!!  I can’t tell you how many friends I have that sit home 24/7 and then wonder why they don’t meet new people. 

2. Mute.  Have you ever met one?  I did on an adventure to Cleveland with DramaQueen.  He was referred to as Big Al.  That’s a story for another time though…  Now that I got you out of the house, I need to get you to socialize.  In order to socialize, you need to talk.  Yes, you have to talk to strangers.  Part of the reason why men like us so much is because we possess the ability to talk for hours.  All that men need to do is sit there, nod, and pretend to listen.  It’s just the way of the universe.  Strike up a conversation and show people how interesting you really are!  A guy might say hi, but he’s relying on you to carry on the rest of the chat.

3. Hygiene.  This one is self explanatory.  Shower daily, brush your teeth twice a day, and wear deodorant.  No one likes a girl who’s got some funky stank going on.  I always carry Tic Tacs and splash on some body spray after the shower.  If you are new to body spray, may I suggest Victoria Secret’s scent called Love Spell.  It’s AMAZING and lingers.  He’ll keep sniffing his sweater long after you return it.  I promise.  You wouldn’t want to approach some nasty smelling grease ball.  Just stay clean and fresh.  It’s not hard.

4. Crusty Mouth Girl.  This one skeeves me to no end.  I don’t even want to talk about it to be honest, but I have a friend who is always guilty of this.  Ok, before I start gagging again…  I don’t know what causes it or how to prevent it, but if you have this problem, please at least be AWARE of it.  You know those people that have that white film outlining their mouth?  EW!!!  For the love of God, wipe it off.  No one wants to see that, let alone KISS that.  Done talking about this, move on to #5.

5. Walking Dead.  While hygiene is the key factor here, putting yourself together is another key to meeting men.  All I keep thinking of is my Aunt Tootsie who insists on wearing striped orange pants with a plaid, navy blue shirt.  Sexy?  I don’t think so…  I’m not saying that you need to be ready for the runway 24/7, but you should look put together at all times.  You never know who you will meet or when.  Don’t want to wear make up? Fine, but at least take 2 minutes to curl your lashes and look alive.  No one wants to approach a zombie.  LOOK ALIVE PEOPLE!  Sorry, had to…

6. Clinger.  Just because a guys says hello, doesn’t mean that he wants you up his ass all night like you’ve been together for 45 years.  Men like the chase.  If a man wants you badly enough he will make the effort to get to know you.  A clinger may also be guilty of obviously stalking out their pray from a distance.  Best advice I’ve ever gotten from Biff:  Act like you don’t care.  Appearing independent and confident is the sexiest accessory you can wear.  When proof reading my entry I realized that I rhymed.  Sorry Pat Hatt.  Didn’t mean to show you up!! lol

7. Miss Ready to Pounce.  Did you ever see a girl hunched over eyeing down a guy while licking her lips and salivating?  Yea, don’t do that.  Acting like a tiger in heat makes you look like a ho or extremely desperate.  If it was reversed you would stamp the word “CREEPER” across that guy’s forehead!  When a guy catches your eye, make subtle eye contact.  Don’t drool over the guy.

8. Mom jeans.  There’s a reason why Sir Mix A Lot wrote a whole song dedicated to the booty.  Why, you ask?  Because it’s one the lady lumps that men adore!  Don’t hate on it, embrace it!  Now I’m not saying go out in a mini skirt showing off your butt cheeks, but do wear form fitting jeans that show off your curves.  Hey, it may be a little shallow but it’s a GREAT way to meet men.  Wait a second; I dedicated this to the 13 year olds on Yahoo Answer.  Woops…

9. Shit Talker.  There is nothing more unattractive then the female standing there talking obnoxiously loud spilling out all sorts of insults behind someone’s back.  Keep the petty female bashing for your alone time with your best friend.  That way you don’t have to feel that bad for letting your girly, bitchy instincts loose because your bff will lock it in the vault.

10. Boy Crazy.  If I’ve learned anything about the universe in my 23 short years, it’s you never find what you want if you are looking for it.  Go out with the intention of having fun, not with the intent of marriage.  You’re Prince Charming will find you when you least expect it.  <-- Did you get my Once Upon a Time reference?  GO WATCH IT NOW!!

Well, this where Dr. Fun ends her diagnosis and goes back to just being the regular LMF.  Good luck to all you middle school girlies!  Have fun and stop worrying about all those boys.  J

-LMF

17 comments:

  1. So I'm a hermit and a mute and I actually try to look, I guess I know my issues now, oh wait! This was for middle school girls, whoops..haha

    Oh and yes your one big rhyme showed me up, I don't know how I will ever get past that..LOL

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  2. Omg'd I am so LOL! HAHAHAHAHAHA You need to write for a magazine girl. You are soooo on point! HAHAHAHAHAHA I love all of these. I go to yahoo answers for OTHERs answers. HAHAHAHA Love it! Happy Tuesday Girl. ((HUG))
    http://sassyuptownchic.blogspot.com/

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  3. LOL!!! It might just be ONE rhyme but it was accidental. It just flowed from the key pad onto my screen without any effort. It might just be the best rhyme I've ever read...No worries, won't happen again!

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  4. This is so funny! I've never used yahoo answers before, but I'm going to now :)
    www.saysskippy.blogspot.com

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  5. hahahah... thanks for making me laugh. :) it was definitely fun to read. i love #10's answer.

    ps. there's a $50 giftcard giveaway on my blog! hope you'll stop by & join :)

    xx,
    cindy - design3rd

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  6. OMG this is so funny. I was cracking up the whole time. Great post :)

    -Ly
    http://www.lyzhang.com

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  7. I'm off hulu and on to Netflixs. Its way better. And who would put in a search engine why they can't meet men?You are so right they have to be young. I'm guilty of this one. I sit at home and think I'm suppose to meet new people. I love your tip on hygiene. You said crusty mouth...lol. So try about a men wanting a chase. I hate desperate women who linger on to men they just meet. Have some pride shit! All good points!

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  8. wow this is great post! you write well and you're so funny!!!! but i love the way you write :)
    take care dear!!! xoxo, Haus of Gala

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  9. Hey dear, luv your writing style, you're talented! Your blog background is pretty

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  10. I cannot even describe how much I love it when you write about things like this. Soo epic. "Crusty Mouth Girl" and "Clinger" ROFL!

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  11. Lol. You're hilarious.

    I think Ron's still cute now!

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  12. All of these are so true.
    Ps when ya gonna get rid of the comment verification?

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  13. hi girlie! thanks for your lovely comment! :) my natural hair color is a medium brown... but to get this color i went to the salon with my copy of Nylon (THIS article http://www.nylonmag.com/?section=article&parid=5221) and told the guy to try and "emma-stone" me as much as possible... and then i did it myself. LOL
    i´ve been very busy with work... but i´ll come back to have a laugh with your posts!
    XX
    have a lovely wednesday!
    Jannine

    http://fashionistarg.blospot.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. This was too funny! LOL

    I second the word verification thing!

    ReplyDelete

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